The Art of Conversations
Conversations. We simply can’t do without them.
Conversations are immensely useful and powerful, allowing us to form relationships, spread information, and understand each other in both our personal and professional lives.
Most articles about the art of conversation often promote skipping small talk and being authentic, but effective conversations involve so much more than that. They require authenticity, conversational body language, and empathy. Mastering the art of conversation requires a deep understanding of active listening, finding common ground, and emotional intelligence. This article provides insights and practical strategies for enhancing these conversational skills and building meaningful connections.
The Foundation: Building Authentic Connection
In conversation, authenticity means being your true self. In an authentic conversation, you cannot put on a face and be something you’re not; it’s harder to make meaningful connections if you’re inauthentic.
Being authentic has several benefits, including building trust and fostering deeper connections. If someone sees that you’re genuine and authentic, they know you mean what you say and are more likely to trust and connect with you.
Cultivating authenticity can be difficult, as people aren’t used to opening up to others. Authenticity is a mix of self-awareness, vulnerability, and congruence, and while cultivating these values can be a challenge, it’s never too early to begin.
In your day-to-day life, practice mindfulness, pay attention to what you are doing, and think about how you impact others. Practice congruence by being present and engaged in all your conversations; match your body language and expressions to your conversations to show your involvement and strengthen your points. And don’t close yourself off—vulnerability is hard, but it encourages a more authentic conversation and creates deeper connections.
- Skipping Small Talk:
Small talk can stall out otherwise good conversations; asking about the weather tends to end in an awkward silence in which people fumble around for something, anything, to say. Small talk is as far from genuine as it gets, so avoid it if you want to have authentic conversations.
However, small talk can be appropriate in some situations. It is a great way to open a conversation, but be prepared to shift to a more interesting, authentic topic.
Moving from small talk into genuine conversation isn’t as hard as you might think: one of the best things you can do is break the mold. When someone comments on the weather, segue into a new topic. Someone just brought up a football game but you don’t know anything about football? Don’t just nod and grunt. Ask them to explain football to you. Don’t be afraid to flip the script or be funny.
- Eye Contact:
Eye contact is another important element of authentic conversations. How many times have you conversed with someone who didn’t look at you once during the conversation? How did that make you feel? Don’t be that person. Don’t be the person who stares into someone’s eyes for the entire conversation either. Proper eye contact is key to making people feel comfortable and heard.
To make good eye contact, shift your gaze around. Break eye contact every 5 to 7 seconds and look at something else. It could be their chin, nose, hair, clothes, or something in the background.
It is important to note, however, that not all cultures view eye contact the same way. In many Asian cultures, for example, eye contact is not important in a conversation, and can even be seen as rude.
- The Role of Body Language:
Body language is key to authentic, engaging conversations.
Body language complements verbal communication by making you appear more engaged in conversations. It also signals that you are interested in what the other person has to say. For instance, leaning forward in your chair signals that you are interested in what someone is saying, and crossing your arms can appear closed off.
There are countless resources for learning about and interpreting body language, and a simple Google search will give you an idea of how to get started learning about it.
The Power of Active Listening
Active listening builds rapport and understanding, but you must be completely engaged in your conversations—if you are distracted even a little bit, you aren’t truly listening. Common listening barriers include multitasking and technology use.
Multitasking is one of the largest barriers to active listening, and technology use is a multitasking trap. Using phones during conversations is all too common, and browsing the internet or texting during a conversation, even for an instant, signals to someone that you are uninterested in the conversation and aren’t paying attention to them.
Paraphrasing and summarizing are strategies that help with active listening. Paraphrasing involves repeating in your own words what the speaker just said. Paraphrasing the speaker’s words demonstrates that you’re paying attention, and it can even prompt them to expound on what they said.
Mindfulness and empathy are more aspects of active listening. Mindfulness involves paying close attention to your surroundings and living in the present moment; it helps you focus on what someone is saying. Empathy places you in the other person’s shoes; by being empathetic, you can understand your conversation partner better and understand where they are coming from.
Finding Common Ground
Tired of small talk? Here are some ways to lead the conversation in a better, more authentic direction.
People with commonalities are more likely to connect than people who share nothing. Finding common ground in conversations moves the conversation beyond small talk; sharing an interest with someone—such as a love for cars or reading—gives room to talk about those things. Some good strategies for finding common ground in conversations include, ironically enough, starting with small talk. Keep the conversation light, but ask them about their hobbies or interests. If you find something in common, talk more about it.
- Bridging Differences:
Navigating conversations with people from different backgrounds or perspectives can be tough—politics and religion are topics that come to mind. If you disagree with someone, or if someone disagrees with you, don’t lash out or get overly defensive. That only disrupts the conversation and creates conversational barriers. Instead, have an open mind and be respectful. When disagreeing, don’t tell someone they’re wrong; ask them why they think that way. Communicate clearly, don’t be afraid to apologize, and realize that you might not be able to change someone’s mind; agree to disagree.
Difficult conversations don’t only happen in person. Handling disagreements on social media, over the phone, and through texting can be extremely difficult—more difficult than in-person disagreements. Virtual conversational mediums are tricky because words make up only a small part of communication: tone, body language, and facial expressions also convey meaning, so choose your words carefully when not speaking in person.
The Importance of Emotional Intelligence
- Understanding Emotions:
Emotions have a large impact on communication. An angry individual communicates differently from a calm person, and not in a good way: they may be impatient, irritable, or harsh. However, it is important to identify and manage your negative emotions and recognize others’ so they won’t get in the way of having a productive conversation. Remain calm and respectful to avoid escalating the situation. And if the other person is irritable, practice empathy to understand why—they might’ve had a bad day or be exhausted.
Overcoming Conversation Challenges:
In addition to managing difficult conversations, there are other, more mundane, challenges such as awkward silences and interruptions. Overcoming these and other communication barriers will allow you to build relationships with diverse individuals.
Awkward silences are, thankfully, one of the easier communication barriers to overcome. They often come at the end of stories or when a topic has been exhausted, and they are typically four or more seconds of silence. When they happen, all parties involved feel, well, awkward. But even though silences can be excruciating, they don’t need to be. Awkward silences are often nobody’s fault, and during them, all parties are trying to think of something to say. Don’t panic, think of new conversation starters, and remember that awkward silence is only a problem if you make it one.
Interruptions are another conversation barrier. If someone repeatedly interrupts you and makes it hard for you to talk, don’t let them get away with it. There are a number of ways to address this, including telling them to stop interrupting, ignoring their interruption entirely, or telling them to let you finish your thought or story.
Conclusion
Mastering the art of conversation isn’t easy; many complex concepts and ideas need to work together in a good conversation, and having great conversations takes continuous learning and practice. Good conversations foster meaningful connections, and it has been shown time and time again that the happiest people have large networks. Authenticity, active listening, finding common ground, and emotional intelligence are the building blocks of every conversation, and if you can master them, your conversations will flow naturally.
