If I had got a penny for every time I have been asked by my Chief Executive for the “easy” way to reprimand an employee I would be a very wealthy man. As if there was an exact science around miraculously ensuring the receiver of punishment or the recipient of criticism would readily grasp that painful experience with glee, grateful for the privilege of receiving their punishment from such a worthy leader.

Whether we like to admit it or not there is no such thing as a positive reprimand and ‘constructive’ criticism is the greatest oxymoron in business today. And whilst I might want to agree with Abraham Lincoln when he said “He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help.” It still does not address the emotional trauma faced when you are presented with your boss confirming their displeasure at you or your actions.

However unfortunately none of us are ever going to be lucky enough to either avoid criticism or avoid having to criticise another. Aristotle made that clear when he said “To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.” So if it is clear we can’t avoid it then lets at least consider how we might make the event as forward looking as possible.

Over the years as I have encountered different CEO’s I have developed a very simple response when this question or one of its derivatives is raised with me. “I need to have a word with Joe he’s out of line and I am not prepared to accept this anymore”, “Tell me the best way to do this”.

And my response is always the same “Just do it the same way you would like it done to you”.  After I get a few tentative clichés about reaping what you sow and being able to “handle it” the stark reality strikes home and my CEO realises there is no magic wand, there is no text book and there certainly isn’t an App.

I always answer the question in this way because all of us, at some point, will face confrontation of some sort. Just as there will be a point in time when we will have to confront a colleague or a staff member. This is even more so in many HR roles because as HR professionals we are often left with the problem as our line manager colleagues run for cover. We are often the ones expected to carry out the difficult conversation or address the issue of poor performance or deal with the indiscipline of a staff member. So whether it’s me or it’s my CEO here is what I expect.

1) Restoratively
Confrontation within the confines of a trusting relationship is much more likely to be received when it takes place within an overtly positive forward looking process. If we know the individual speaking to us wants the best for us, we are much more likely to hear and respond to the confrontation. The goal of confrontation must be restoration, not merely unleashing frustration. Sadly, some CEO’s I have worked for confront not to win their colleagues over but rather to win an argument. If your goal is to prove you are right your engagement is already doomed.

2) Privately
There is NEVER a situation where a public confrontation can be the right approach. No one wants nor deserves the indignation of a public flogging. A private conversation no matter how negative gives the best opportunity for a restorative outcome. Tragically over the years I have worked for both public and private sector Leaders who talk about people, rather than to people. Mind you I have also worked for giants who never made me feel small.

3) Quickly
Addressing performance issues or disciplinary matters quickly can actually build trust. Whilst recipients feel immediate pain and anguish they also realise that that you keep a short account and move on. Quickly confronting issues stops the dreaded seeds of bitterness from taking root and destroying the longer term relationship. Sadly I still recall a CEO calling me to his office and proceeding to carry out a performance review. It began with him referring to a list of “opinions and comments I expressed ten months ago”? I spent the rest of my time in that organisation feeling as though my CEO was following me around with a pen and pad to build another list.

4) Gently
And finally I address the CEO’s anathema, “showing you care”. The most productive confrontations I have been involved with resulted in people knowing that in spite of the issues being discussed their manager actually cared. Knowing that your leader desires the best for you and wants the employment relationship to be stronger are two of the most productive emotions to instill into a performance or disciplinary conversation. That kind of confrontation does not happen unless your manager really does care.

Some of the greatest leaders I have worked for ran towards conflict, not from it, not because they enjoy conflict but because they longed for resolution and restoration.

So let’s keep it real, there is no such thing as a positive reprimand or ‘constructive’ criticism but handled well a good leader can use these types of engagements to achieve a positive outcome.