Many leaders do not know how to have conversations with difficult people. Our human reaction is to either avoid or confront the person, but having these courageous conversations help build trust as being open about touchy topics shows respect and commitment to a relationship.  Talking about difficult issues can help clear up misunderstandings and solve problems before they get worse. By having them, we can learn things about the other person as the other person can learn things about you and the situation. Information can be unlocked which helps navigate next steps. And at the end of the day, avoiding difficult conversations do not make the problem go away.

The tough conversations formula

The GROW coaching model is a helpful tool for having tough conversations.  It makes the conversation more focussed and productive. The four steps are Goal, Reality, Options and Will.  Here is how it could be used.

Goal: Begin by setting a clear goal for the session.  Think about what you want to achieve by the end. Share this with the other person at the beginning of the conversation. For example, ‘I want us to find a way to work better together’.  Setting a clear goal and intention lets the other person know what you want to achieve.

Reality: Asking open questions to know where we are today. This helps to identify where the gaps are between the reality and the goal.  Listening carefully is the key without judgement and interruption. For example, ‘Where do you think we are today?’. We may have different realities and it is important to be heard.

Options: After understanding the reality, we want to brainstorm and share ideas on what would work. For example, ‘What do you think would work?’ and then adding some other options that you may have thought about.

Will: Once you have determined which option would be great to implement first, then the will looks at the commitment that you have towards that option.  I recommend rating it on a scale of 1-10.  10 being committed ready to go. If lower, I ask ‘what do you or we need to do to get it to a slightly higher number?’.  It does not always need to be a 10.  But if it is a 4, it is unlikely that anyone will implement or action when the willingness is low.

By using the GROW model, you can handle difficult conversations in a way that focuses on understanding, finding solutions and taking action. This approach helps solve problems and builds stronger relationships by showing respect and care for each other’s views.

Difficult conversations when left can create resentment and distrust.  Before it gets to the point of no return, have people in your business who need to have difficult conversations frequently be trained on how to have them. Even after years of practicing, I still get uncomfortable just before having a difficult conversation but I know from the benefits listed, it must be had if I am to maintain and grow our people and culture.  Transformation occurs on the edge of discomfort.

Shivani Gupta is the author of Getting Your People to Step Up (Wiley)